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Thursday, 1 October 2009

Odds @ Sod's Bits and Pieces

 

64 comments:

Del said...

News from the fair town of Hadleigh. On the bypass we have a sign which informs uninterested drivers that Hadleigh is twinned with Rousies, in France, and Schorl, in Holland, two items that have puzzled me. In the four years that the lovely Charlotte and I have lived here, I have never seen any announcement of an impending visit from the good folk of those towns, nor indeed, any mention of our local citizens braving the trip across the Channel, to see them.. I've certainly never seen the odd man, wearing a beret and peddling a cycle loaded with onions or, for that matter, anyone wearing clogs and selling tulips in the market square. Our local burghers were obviously remiss in promoting our town as the cultural center of East Anglial.
What to do, I wondered? We have, just down the hill from our casa, a village green with a river flowing through it, not to mention hundreds of ducks that cause tailbacks of traffic by sitting in the middle of the highway. During a recent walk with Oscar the answer became clear. I rushed home and composed a letter to my friends, the Linguni brothers, members of a well-known family in Palermo, Sicily. I tell you, they know a thing or three about building and running a casino, not to mention several other activities to jolly a town up. That was followed by a letter to the Harbour Master in Monaco, requesting information on whome to contact about building a marina. I decided not to ask our local council for payment, just that my end of the action would be the fried duck takeaway concession. The night after I'd submitted my idea to the local planning authority, I returned home to discover a picket line and flag waving protesters outside my frony door. They proved to be Rahjid Singh and his entire staff from Ye Oldie Tudor Tandoori Takeaway in the High Street. Apparently Mr. Singh has already claimed poaching rights on the ducks for his restaurant and pointed out the deprivation that he and his extended family would suffer if I went ahead with my scheme. Well, don't let anyone tell you that I'm not a humanitarian, or even a vegetarian, so I bowed to his plea, told him to put his sword away, and gave up on the idea. But, I still think that a new sign,reading, 'Hadleigh, an Historic Town, twinned with Las Vegas and Monte Carlo,' would have put our town on the map. So much for chutzpah, my life.

jim davis said...

That is a great entry Del, Perhaps one of the East Anglian folk could copy and paste it and send it to your local Rag. Your village elders would probably build stocks in the middle of town to put you in. I would definitely drive up just to throw rotten eggs at you.

JohnB said...

Aaah Hadleigh, home of Buy Rites, the Mecca for fans of cheap 99p sweatshirts emblazoned with, ... "What Happens in Hadleigh Stays in Hadleigh"...and the gastronomer's haven for fresh new Delhi Tandoori duck, well done and dunked in Del's village pond for added flavour.

Tommy said...

Brilliant Dell,you never cease to amaze me with your tounge in cheek writings,please never stop you are a bright light on our website,hard to believe a lad from the Cuckoo estate could become such a litery person.It was my pleasure to meet you in person saturday night and the lovely Charlotte was as lovely as you have descibed .by the way do you carry a apple box around with you so you can reach up to kiss her.Looking forward to recieving the photo's Charlotte has taken so I can include them in my D V D .

Del said...

Tommy, odd that you should mention the lovely Charlotte's height. I was actually six feet three when I met her. I reckon, the way things are going, that I shall finish up in one of those gold rings, on the end of a chain, around her neck.

Tommy said...

Del that would be better than one thru your nose on a chain.

jim davis said...

Nice one Tom.

Eff. said...

On the float plane from Craig to Ketchikan, there was a young man in the
seat in front of me. We had been off the water and airbourne for about 5
minutes and he started showing signs of distress. He turned to me and told
me he thought he was having a stroke or a panic attack. His hands and
fingers then started to spasm up and he told me his cheeks were tingling.
He was only 25 years old and a good looking fellow. I kept telling him to
cough and take deep breaths while I rubbed his shoulders and back of his
neck. George and another passenger grabbed hold of his hands and massaged
them trying to get them out of the spasms. We got him relaxed for about 10
minutes and then he started having another seizure. He told me his name was
Brian and he was so sorry for being a nuisance. I told him not to worry as
I had the best end of the deal, that I hadnt got to rub on a 25 year old
since George was that age.
Did take my mind off of the flight though, as I was nervous until all this
happened.
What a life eh!
Effo

Eff said...

Better explain. Geo and I left for a convention that was held in the bush community of Craig Alaska on the Prince of Wales Island. To get there we had to fly a jet from Juneau to Ketchikan, and then board a float plane with 8 small seats in it. We had problems with the jet going to Ketchikan, first it had a flat tire on the nose cone, and then a problem with the cargo hold. We arrived in Ketchikan to it raining sideways and the wind howling. We had to take off in the float plane in this terrible weather. When it landed on the water to deliver mail to another bush community it sounded like it had a flat tire, but it was the noise of it bumping off of the white caps on the water.
The account I sent to Tommy was the return journey back to Ketchikan. The sun came out, and the flight was smooth, except for our young passenger, who took my mind completely off of my own fears.

georgek said...

Cor Eff, you certainly see life out there,I read the story and I was waiting for a punch line,goes to show that real life is stranger than any joke.Hope everything turned out ok for this young man.

Eff said...

George, I phoned the Lodge in Ketchikan and asked how Brian was doing. They said he was doing fine, had been into the Lodge on Monday and had dinner there with his mother. I asked about his condition and they said that they thought that he was dehydrated. Probably from all the booze that was flowing around the Craig convention!!!

georgek said...

Glad to hear all is ok Eff.Dehydration,sometimes a very dangerous complaint,Joans mum,who passed away in 1994 had earlier gone on holiday abroad she had seen her doctor before she went to ask him if she was fit to fly (her first time) the doctor passed her fit but told her not to drink the tap water and only drink bottle water,can I still take my water tablets said mum? oh yes,dont stop taking them said the doctor,well she didnt drink the tap water,she didnt like bottle water so she didnt drink at all but still took her water tablets,end result,she was very ill with dehydration and never recovered her health again,it contributed to her death a few months later its so sad.

georgek said...

Joan and Jeanette have just finished some family history work,they cleared the table of all papers but left the table away from the wall,they said to me,who was watching The Al Jolson Story,we have left the table away from the wall so you can hoover behind it!.You know I feel so privlaged thats its me they have asked to hoover behind the table,have any other men had this sort of privlage bestowed upon them them?

Tommy said...

George it is nice to know where we have a place in the women in our lives,I run everything in our house,the washing machine,the hoover,dishwasher,the cooking stove.lawn mower and the iron.I have come a long way in my persuit of becoming a retired man.

Grace said...

I feel so sorry for George & Tommy having to do some chores ,i have been sitting in the garden in the warm sunshine knitting baby clothes for my grand daughter who is expecting in Jan and lo and behold the hoovering ,dusting ,mowing washing up are still waiting for the fairies to come and do it ,so you see you boys have it easy. ps will have to employ a cleaner.ha ha.

bob stevens said...

Grace, I'm free

Grace said...

Bob Stevens are you free that you dont want payment? or free that you have the time to clean? or both? [maybe my lucks in]

yvonneh said...

Yaaaaaawn, I feel really sorry for you men, doing all the chores whilst we women, well Grace anyway, lazes around in the garden after years of looking after her family. Grace thankyou so much for the info and the photos, liked the one of Jim with his goggles on, you didnt tell me he was there at the same time as you. I am determined to get there one of these days. Was that your washing hanging out to dry ?

yvonneh said...

Yaaaaaawn, I feel really sorry for you men, doing all the chores whilst we women, well Grace anyway, lazes around in the garden after years of looking after her family. Grace thankyou so much for the info and the photos, liked the one of Jim with his goggles on, you didnt tell me he was there at the same time as you. I am determined to get there one of these days. Was that your washing hanging out to dry ?

yvonneh said...

I think my computer has a stammer.

georgek said...

Are we going to start another Men v ladies,because if we are,JIMMYYYY.

jim davis said...

Listen lads show them who's boss, if they don't do as you tell them. Pick them up, put them over your shoulder, carry them upstairs, throw them on the bed, pull down their knickers and give their arse a good slap. That should soon sort them out.

yvonneh said...

Jimmy I cant stop laughing I can just picture you throwing me over your shoulder, you woudnt reach the stairs as under my weight little old you will have collapsed before you reached them. probably be crushed as well. As for brutalising us women, Jeremy Kyle would not approve. Such bravado tut. tut.

yvonneh said...

George , who could start a war with you, you are too polite,such a GENTLE man, Ladies indeed,at least you recognise us, your wife must have brung you up well, and Jimmy cant help not when we have Beryl and Grace on our team.

jim davis said...

You are wrong to call your motley mob a team Yvonne, in your case I think the correct terminology should be a gaggle.

georgek said...

I bet we can beat your team Yvonne,what would you like to play,skipping,or knitting the best scarf,rounders the list goes on and on just like womens talk,ALL ABOUT NOTHING.Im not only gentle but brilliant in all aspects of life.Jim and I had a good old chinwag at the reunion I think your name was mentioned but it wasnt important.God bless and goodnight to all my fans.

yvonneh said...

Sticks and stones Jim, anyway surely its past your bedtime.So make your cocoa and GET UP THEM STAIRS OR YOULL GET THE BACK OF MY HAND. My mum always used to say that to us, I never did work what happened to the front of her hand night night.

jim davis said...

What about, I'll have you smiling on the other side of you face in a minute.
AND GEORGE be careful what you challenge them to, they might insist on us all wearing NBKs for netball.

yvonneh said...

What a good one Jim, George has got very confident since you backed him reminds me of the Ruby Murray song I'll come when you call
if you give me your word, with the speed of a bird I will fly to your side. Cor thats an old one
what about I will box your ears if you dont behave, In what!! or if you dont come in I will tell your dad and he'll give you a good hiding!!!! the only good hiding was me disappearing but what does it mean and where did these sayings come from.
Anyway George start looking for them nbks OOOH I can just picture it now.

georgek said...

Thats another fine mess youve got me into Jim!

jim davis said...

Sorry Olly.never fear Jim is here.

jim davis said...

Yvonne fancy asking a Kid "Do you want a smack?" Can you imagine a child saying "Oh! boy yes please mum"

yvonneh said...

Jim you sound as though you had plenty, I used to get "a clip round the ear" my mum had a fascination with our ears. Or I will tan your backside, when I get hold of you, no chance I just escaped to the old tree at the bottom of the avenue and hid. She used to send Brian to find me but he never snitched. I went back when she had quietened down.

Paul Holt said...

A gaggle, Jim. If there's three of 'em and Yvonne is one then it must be a Coven.

georgek said...

Oh, I agree with you Brian,

jim davis said...

George, Brian happen to be Paul. He is an absolute gentleman you would not think he is Yvonnes very much Younger brother.

jim davis said...

I don't know how I could of overlooked that one Paul, it is an excellent description of Yvonne, Valb, Grace and one or two others that have not yet passed the test on their broomsticks.

georgek said...

Where did I get brian from?,sorry Paul,I still agree with you.

yvonneh said...

Youy are definitely off my christmas list Paul. I have enough problems with that crackpot Jim and George without you starting. You are supposed to be on my side I will have to have a word with Beverley to keep you in check. Anyway its a miracle that Jim knows what a broomstick is, in his chauvenistic guise he has probably never seen one. George are you getting confused again. Brian was our older bro and probably the one you knew, Paul is our younger bro and is still a little pest.

Anonymous said...

Cor blimey, there's no pleasing you Yvonne, after all I'm only doing my job and as for the Christmas list, I don't see why this year should be any different, I've never made it on yet.

It's ok George I don't mind being mistaken for Brian as long as you don't confuse me with Tim or Ben they are a right pair of scoundrels. To avoid future confusion you only need to remember that I'm the good looking one of the family.

Thanks for referring to me as a gentleman Jim, no! I don't mean a Gentleman Jim I mean a gentleman, Jim. It's easy to see what a discerning person you are.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I had to publish as anonymous but it would not accept my google sign on this time.

Beryl Bradford ( Bolton ) said...

Hi Jim, & George and the rest of the boys?.
I would watch if I was you as it will soon be the 31st Oct witches night. We can do any thing that night so I would not go to bed and sleep if I was you, you might wake up and find some thing has fallen off. P.S. When asked my what was for dinner I got told air pie & winding pudding never did find out what it was.

ValB said...

See I've got pulled in on the ladies v gents war again. Jim knows I can't resist a challenge. Beryl is right about 31st Oct and I don't need a test on my broomstick as I'm as good as Harry Potter and can beat him at Quidditch. So be warned!Anyway I think Grace is right about leaving the dusting sometimes. Here's a good little poem.
"Dust if you must - but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, write a letter?
Bake a cake, plant a seed?
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must - but there's notmuch time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb.
Music to hear and books to read.
Friends to cherish - a life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there,
The sun in your eyes and the wind in your hair-
A flurry of snow - a shower of rain-
This day willnot come round again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind
Old age will come, and its not kind
And when you go - as go you must,
You yourself will make MORE DUST."

jim davis said...

You probably know this Paul, but if you keep having a problem using your Google sign. Just click on the button next to Name/URL then leave your name. I always leave my full name, you can do that or Paul H. Whatever you want.
Blow I have just had a thought, if I had mentioned one other woman perhaps Beryl, we could have sat back and had a laugh at the women as they argued about who was going to be Cinderella.

Paul Holt said...

Thanks Jim,

We were always told air pie and windy pudding.

It's not just us men that need beware on All Hallows Even. There are Warlocks too that celebrate the coming of the dark time,

yvonneh said...

OOOOh Paul fancy you not knowing you could press URL.
Val love the poem, where did that come from ?
Paul what about mums lay over the medalass, and dads if it pudding.
If it goes round you will get some, it never did.
And what JOB are you supposed to be doing. apart from stirring it, gentleman Jim indeed, good job you never knew him at a young age, snotty nosed and pinching my marbles, yuk. You could grow a sack of spuds on his and brians necks. Beryl it would be lovely if somrthing did drop off, mainly his head, Jim where did cinderella suddenly come from. You do go off at a tangent sometimes.

jim davis said...

Oh dear Yvonne you are slow on the uptake. I was talking about which one of you four women, You, Valb, Grace and Beryl would claim to be Cinderella. Beryl was quick off the mark claiming to be Cinders so that leaves you other three as the ugly sisters. Now if you women call that sticking together my mind boggles. I am glad us men know how to support each other.

Paul Holt said...

'ere yew go ag'in, yew don't 'alf talk a load o’ owld squit Yvonne, Yew dew slaver on dun yew. When exactly did I say that I didn't know I could press Name?? If you're trying to be insulting, get a hinder the coo.

I always heard those sayings as lay over the middling and iffy pudding.

Paul Holt said...

Oh! yes and it's a much, much, younger brothers job to ensure his much, much older sister doesn't get too big for her boots.

jim davis said...

I've got a much older sister like you have Paul, and mine is just as bossy as your's. There really should be lots of jokes about older sisters, the same as there is about mother-in-laws. Actually they are very similar in thinking they know best. But we know, us men do know best on most things.

Grace said...

Vaal B Your poem about the dust was spot on so i will let the dust lay ,and if people coment on it i will inform them it is MOON DUST that should shut them up .

Grave said...

The reason i have not been on the site lately is because i have had my nose stuck in a book it is JIM DAVIS Autobiography i think Yvonneh is right he was a terror when he was young,maybe in his teens you would call him a Fly By Night, but now in later life he comes across as a loveable Rogue i found it very interesting and thoroughly enjoyed it,sorry to say i do not have a broom stick will a HOOVER be ok.What time are us witches meeting? Yvonneh glad to here Ken is on the mend.

Paul Holt said...

This one is especially for you Jim.........

How do you know when your sister is about to say something intelligent?

- She starts her sentence with "My brother once told me..."

jim davis said...

Many a true word is spoken in jest Paul. Did you notice above your entry someone is speaking from the Grave. I wonder who that can be?

Grace said...

Glad you spotted the deliberate mistake Jim,i think i was carried away on my Hoover getting ready for the 31st boy i cant wait.

bob stevens said...

Oh.Grace did you meen the 31st. or the 31st boy?? shame on you.

jim davis said...

No wonder she spends so much time standing on the corner Bob, 31 boys wow!
Grace don't try to kid a kidder, a mistake? Yes, Deliberate ? Only if Pigs can fly.

yvonneh said...

Take no notice Grace I think they have all reverted back to infants school, George surprises me though I thought he was one of the estates gentleman, but getting together with Jimmy is enough to turn anyone, I just hope my baby brother is bright enough not to be led by Jim. Grace I think Jim is Jealous as he cannot stop going on about your standing on the corner If you were anything like me thats where I used to take my books to read as the parents couldnt afford the leccy and the street lamp on the corner was the brightest. Jim was like his book except he appeared to have made himself nicer than he really was as a kid

jim davis said...

Did you notice this is where Cinderella came into the conversation Yvonne. I shall await your groveling apology.

Lamb Poon said...

Oh my! I know, I am so easily led big sis. I just always do what I'm told, don't I sis?

Grace said...

Have just been told off about my Grammar by Bobby Stevens and my spelling by Jim Davis i said i had to many chores to do so will have to find a MAN ,with money so i can take up the good life .has anyone tried the Internet Dating? he must be between 50/60 tall not bald and is a good worker but then when i am flying around on my hoover on the 31st i may just come across him [so pick the bones out of that boys]

georgek said...

50/60,Grace?.What will he be your TOY BOY?

Grace said...

YOU BET GEORGE TOY BOY WOULD BE GREAT.

bob stevens said...

Grace, I'm about the age requested +/- a few, still roadworthy and able to drive a vacuum.
Did you all enjoy the week in Brixham? or was it Brixton?
How's Irishman 3838? hope he managed to cope with the 3 of you.