· Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."
· What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
· What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
· Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.
· What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
· What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
· Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
· Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa without catching anything .
· In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arseholes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.
· I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
· Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
· What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
· The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.